A map to losing myself in Stockholm.

By: Eirene Kapsis

I’ve never really been one to conform to my surroundings, but here in Sweden, I have been finding myself stuck in this mindset of assimilating with those around me. From being someone who was always smiling and energetic, I’ve started to hold myself back. But the most surprising of all is that I’ve stopped being as comfortable in my sexuality not just with the public, but with myself.

I wasn’t raised under the philosophy that being gay was as accepted as being straight. It was looked at as more of a disability rather than just another quality each individual holds. This is why the idea of “coming out” was so hard for me to come to terms with since it would mean shattering the identity my family had grown to view me as. As I now have lived in Sweden for 2 months, I have started to face a whole other spectrum to the fear of “coming out”. I’ve noticed that queer people in Sweden aren’t forced to define themselves. Quite frankly, their peers don’t care. It’s treated more as a spectrum rather than a label.

~My beautiful parents celebrating pride with me this past summer~

I always thought that I hated the fact I was confined to the status of “Bisexual” because without that label, am I even gay in the eyes of my peers? I’ve realized that having this label has made me feel secure as if it has let me form a wall around my insecurities. Yet, each day as I challenge myself to not define my sexuality, I feel that I am slipping further and further away from a community I have tried to feel a part of for years now.

The thing is, why do I feel challenged? I was told that Sweden is one of the most progressive countries in the EU and is a haven for queers. So, shouldn’t I feel seen and accepted? Shouldn’t I feel free to be who I was born to be rather than a girl living freely in a confined box labeled “bisexual”?

I feel that this all just leans down to the fact that I have felt codependent on the acceptance of others for so long that I never really took a step back to think, do I actually accept myself. If those walls were to be torn down one day, would I still be able to feel comfortable with my sexuality? The only downside to this realization is that instead of slowly breaking down the walls I had built, I was instead forced into destroying a mold that I had taken so long to create. I didn’t have time to acclimate prior to the destruction and was just forced to realize that I had these walls surrounding me all this time.

This goes for a lot of moments in our lives where we may be put into a new environment without an instruction manual handed to us at entry. Funny enough, even if I were given that manual, I wouldn’t know what to do with it. I couldn’t just tell myself “Hey, get it together you’re literally living in a gay heaven right now!” Nope, instead my brain went immediately to, “Girl, where did you just bring us? Why do we feel so safe? It has to be a trick, right?”.

~See, even the sky has pride here!~

So yes, I was lost, and quite frankly still am. Even though I hope that this blog can be your own personal “how to navigate being queer in Scandinavia” manual, it comes with a major rainbow warning. The real challenge will be accepting that you may not have all the answers you thought you once did. Maybe you do really miss that community back home where you were able to complain about how others treated you and where you felt heard and accepted. But just know that you are not alone in that feeling. That community will always be there and now it’s time to learn how to love yourself without the validation of others.

I’m choosing to accept that challenge…will you?